Nothingness

My mind has become a cluster of thoughts and dreams, while my heart is a cluster of emotions. I at times have trouble recognizing what emotions toy with my thoughts, and at other times i am so overcome by the only emotions i allow myself to feel that i become lost in the internal madness that is my mind. I am begining to feel the life i was so looking forward to, the life we were going to build together is swiftly slipping away. I am no longer on the right side of the fence, our positions have switched and i feel as i am waiting to be loved. I AM loved i know i am.... but there are so many levels of love, and which level i fit into is where i start to feel lost and alone. I live day to day waiting in anticiaption of what will happen and where life will take me. I thought we were united in our decision to find a home and start a life. but recently i learn that i give more love and respect that i recieve. You tell me you love me, you show me your scared. Some nights i feel so safe and loved in your embrace and some nights i feel ivisible to you. Im worried my life may be headed down a steep slope and i do not know what awaits me at the bottom of my fall. Everyday i work on building us back up. Everyday is different. Some filled with love, some filled with regret... everyday confused! I know i am fighting to rebuild your trust and show you how much you mean to me and it tears me apart that you cant feel it. Maybe you gave up on me, maybe i gave up on myself?... but i will never give up on us! Relationships are hard work and love is not always enough
Yet as i sit here typing my heart into this blog, on one media source where thousands of people can read my thoughts i know nobody will... even when in a world of endless identities searching the internet i know there is noone out there who is going to listen. Well Except for maybe my sister.
I had a thought pass through my mind the other day. I was reminicing about when lynn and i lived together and how i got to be such a close strong figure in my nieces life. I felt like i was accomplishing something then... like even when i was at home being lazy i was still accomplishing something, i was teaching her, loving her... impacting her life, she may be the only person who has truely loved me back without judging me. My niece is my heart and strength without her around to feel her innocent endless love i slowly slip back into a feeling of (for a lack of better word) uslessness. I begin to feel like my role in life is no longer fufilling... Where is my place where do i belong and who do i belong with? Its so easy to answer these questions with what you think you want. but life never gives you what you want, so now i need to figure out...ME and what it means to be me...

another 25 mins

As i sit here at work with nothing to work on and no new projects to start ive decided to start a blog as a new means of keeping in touch with my sister.. and her uniquely crazy friend whom i love from a distance. Ive never been much of a writer and my spelling and grammer at times may be FAR from correct but i say what i feel needs to be said and i use writing as an escape to clear my mind.. so the mess of verbal vomit that comes to follow is the cluster of thoughts kept in my mind that spew out in randomness.

I am a young woman living in the city of Saskatoon. I never chose this place to be my home, nor do i really want to stay here forever. But for now Saskatoon is my home and has accepted me with its cold bitter heart. I have lived in the city for about 3 years and have a close knit group of friends whom i spend most of my time with, however the most important people in my life would be #1 my Niece i love her with all my heart and would do absolutly anything for her!!!! shes my soul! #2 & #2 are my boyfriend and my Sister. These three people make up my herart and i could not survive without them. Most of my blogs will include them and their crazy antics.

I work as a receptionist and am hoping to further my education once i realize what it is i actually want in life. i also do some modelling, and have been professionally trained and have won awards, however the modelling industry in pretty much dead and wont take you anywhere so its just something i do on the side for some fun and extra cash.

Although i am not shy and very outgoing when i want to be, im usually pretty quite and keep to myself. i tend not to have too many female friends as woman tend to bring ALOT of drama with them, which is something i like to avoid. Although there are those special few ladies who are my best friends, other than them i consider myself to be one of the guys. Laidback, relaxed and just looking to have fun.

~And as the time has gone on my 25 minutes of remaining work has turned into 5 mins so its with this sudden short end i bid you farwell!!!

Goodbye bitches im going home

PS. to my sister and her man, Rock the shit out of Guns N' Roses tonight!